thinking

I feel like my brain is on overload here. There is a constant buzz of thoughts, feelings, confusion, understanding, and emotion intermingling. On the first or second day of TRY, the principal told us that the point of coming here is to make us leave more confused. At first, I really couldn't understand it. Weren't we supposed to leave here knowing who we are and where to go from here? No. In the few weeks that I've beenmy own eyes and not through some pictures in a textbook. Maybe it feels so here so far, I've realized that leaving completely fulfilled would be a load of crap. Life isn't about knowing all the answers. In fact, there is no way in hell we'll even get close, but it's about knowing how to ask the right questions. If I leave here knowing how the ask the right questions, then this experience will be completely worthwhile. It still hasn't hit me that I'm here. I'm wondering if it ever really will. Life is like a whole different world here. Living in a dorm, going out with Maya and her friends, seeing the sites here with weird because I feel like my life has just begun. An old chapter has closed, and a new one has just been opened. I think the hardest thing about this experience will be coming home. Trust me, I'll be really happy to see my friends again, and hang out in the summer, but I think it will feel like that old chapter will be reopened. How can you go back to where you started when you already left it? Independence is an amazing thing. You learn how to love and accept others, but also to love yourself. For all of you who still haven't opened that new chapter, know that there is a whole new mass of opportunities just around the corner, and for those of you who have already opened it, accept it, appreciate it, and embrace it. Life is good!

Shabbos number 4

After a crazy week there was nothing I wanted more than to have a relaxing Shabbat. For the first time on Host Shabbat, we didn't go to Maya's, but instead stayed at the Dan Boutique with Miriam's parents. Although I love going to Maya's, it was nice having a weekend of nothing but sleep, food, and relaxation. School was easy as it usually is on Fridays and on my break I went up to the marketplace and bought a small chocolate croissant from the bakery. Classes ended at about 11:15, so I packed for the weekend, cleaned the room, took out the trash and hung out until 1:00 when the Bornstein's picked us up. We dropped the stuff back at the hotel and went out to a late lunch at Lavan, a restaurant located inside the Cinemateque where Rosa got locked in the bathroom 8 or so years ago. It's weird how random memories stick with you. Anyways, I had pasta which was AMAZING, and we sat next to the window which showed the most incredible view of Jerusalem. We headed back to the hotel for a nap and woke up a little before seven to go downstairs for dinner. Becca joined us, and we spent the next hour or so talking and eating large amounts of food (especially Miriam and I.. after being on TRY you start hoarding food). We dropped Becca back off so we could see her dorm, which is quite nice for a college dorm, and yet again headed back to the hotel to sleep. Saturday was insanely stormy... like I'm talking serious hail, rain, thunder, lightening and wind. I don't think I've seen anything like it in.. well, ever? We stayed in bed pretty much all day besides meals, and for an hour or so we had tea and read in the lounge downstairs. For the first time all day, we went outside and bought some food and other essentials from the market, then walked to dinner. We ate at a place called Colony, which was very American, but also very hip. It reminded me of a lot of restaurants in Boise... antiquey furniture, excentric lighting, cozy atmosphere, you get the gist. It was the whole Bornstein family, me, Becca's friend, and another family friend who is in the army. I had a burger and some chocolate souflee thing for desert. As it reached 10:00, we went back to the hotel to pick up our things and headed back to the chava. It's always bittersweet coming home. Sad, because it's kind of like coming back to "jail," we're pretty restricted here, but also happy because it's so welcoming and you forget how nice the atmosphere is in the dorms. Sunday, which here is a school day is jam packed and exhausting. I've finished most of my classes and am on a three hour break, but I go back at 3:40-6:30. Two hours of that is AP econ which I'm by myself and get lectured straight for the full time. It's pretty much my idea of living hell, so I always dread it. We have a huge ICC test on Tuesday, so everyone is really looking forward to Thursday when we leave for Kibbutz Ketura. It's a 6 day vacation without school or ICC (WHOO!) and we're going snorkeling, bike riding, among many other things. I'm counting down the days...

Officially the busiest week ever: Readers Digest Version

This week was literally the epitome of insanity. I only had school on Sunday, Wednesday, and half of today (Friday). The beginning of the week was spent being checked for lice and washing clothes and sheets. There was a huge lice outbreak and everyone was exhausted since there are so many of us needing to be checked or hair that needed to be washed. Luckily I didn't have it, but I'm sure by the end of TRY I'll have it at least once. Backtracking to the weekend, Miriam and I eventually ended up in Nes Ziona after 1. being abandoned in an empty train station.. no one told us the trains don't run on shabbos, 2. being interrogated by Israeli police for taking photos on the sidewalk?, and 3. taking 3 different taxis. It was a nice weekend besides the fact that we were exhausted and again managed to go to sleep at 5 am after going out for burgers at 3. We woke up at 10 the next morning and went to the beach. It was amazing outside and we packed a lunch and ate it while sunbathing next to the ocean. We came back later at night and after attempting to do homework until 1:00 am, I went to sleep. On Monday morning we left for the Old City, Masada, and the Dead Sea. The Old City was cool, but we had strict boundaries in where we could go, so I pretty much went only to the ultra tourist spots. After a few hours in the Old City, we boarded the bus again and headed off to the Ein Gedi Youth Hostel. We had dinner, which compared to the food here was great, and went to bed at 8:00 so that we could wake up again at 3:40 for Masada. At the crack of dawn we got on the bus yet again and were dropped off in blackness at the base of the mountain. Suzanne and I were wide awake and in good spirits and set off singing and bounding in the darkness. For the first time really since we've been here I felt like we were really a community. Everyone helped each other and encouraged each other especially those who has asthma or simply needed some extra help. It was the smallest, kind gestures that got everyone up the rocky path. Half-way up we stopped for prayer, breakfast, and sunrise. It was truly breath taking to stand in front of Masada as the sun seeped through the clouds. It was a davening experience that I will never forget and as we headed up the other half of the way, we were deep in though and in good spirits. We spent about 3 hours on the top touring, discussing, learning and listening. The way down was rough on the knees, but we made it and set off to the Dead Sea. We ate at the Dead Sea Spa and the food was amazing... I've realized how much better food tastes when you're used to eating complete crap. Even mediocre tastes incredible. Anyways, it wasn't very warm out and it was really cloudy so I decided against actually going in the Dead Sea. I've already been in, and everyone said it was horribly painful, so a few cheesy floating pictures just weren't worth it. I put on some Dead Sea mud and washed it off in one of the hot springs pools. That pretty much sums up Tuesday. Wednesday is one of the two super long school days. Regardless of the three hour break mid-day, 6:30 is just too late to finish school. By the time I was done and finished dinner I hung out with people in the hallway and passed out shortly after. Thursday truly topped off the sheer insanity of the week. We were off on yet another full day Tiyul in which we went to Bar Kochba caves, a Roman ampitheater, and on an archaeological dig. All of which were really fun, but tiring and on the way back all hell broke loose. One of the two buses was hit straight on by a man who fell asleep at the wheel.

Shabbat Shalom

I'm sitting in history and am soo ready for the weekend. I spent ALL day Wednesday in bed with my roommate sick. It was a cycle of sleep, tea, eating and some more sleep. At one point we got so bored we got up and swept the whole room, which is really disgusting and took out the garbage, which there was a lot of. I'd say the highlight of my day was when Claire brought us Oreos. We were THRILLED. Anyways, this Thursday we went to Park Canada and the Israel Museum. It wasn't my favorite Tiyul-- kind of dull. I'm still trying to figure out why the park is called Park Canada.. hello! This is Israel? Apparently they donated money or something. Anyways, it was a battle sight of the Macabbes but I was too distracted to really pay attention in ICC. The highlight of the Israel Museum was the "ahavah" sculpture which I remember posing on eight years ago with Rosa. This time, we all climbed on it and got screamed at by a museum guard. We made it in time for a few pictures before we scrambled off and avoided got eaten alive by the angry guard. I saw a few things that I remembered from my last trip to Israel at the museum. It was pretty interesting since not a lot of things here are that familiar from last time. Today I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday. I took a Sudafed and now my nose is running like crazy. I already went through a toilet paper roll in two periods. Oh, I forgot. Shabbat here is amazing. During my first break I went to the little marketplace right by the Chava. It's filled with flowers to buy for shabbos and the bakery puts out all of its freshly baked pastries. I went with my friend Hanna who knows EVERYONE that works there. After saying hi to the falafel guys, the flower guy, and the pastry guys, we bought some sweets and coffee and ate in the center. It's so pleasant and everyone is in good spirits. It's so weird to hear people say shabbat shalom instead of have a good weekend or whatever.. I'm still getting used to it. I'm going to Maya's house in Nes Ziona again, just like last weekend. I'm looking forward to good food and hanging out with her friends again.. hopefully this time I'll get a little more sleep. I love Fridays here since we get a half day, and we leave for Tel Aviv at about 12:15... Still have to pack! What's new. Anyways, maybe I should attempt at actually listening in history. Everyone around me is on facebook. so distracting.. Shabbat Shalom!

The Kotel

My heart still races when I think about my experience at the kotel. I was so fully blown away by it that my mind clears, but also fogs over when I try to put it into words. My Jewish life so far has been a blur of shabbat dinners, Friday night services here and there, Hebrew school, and various other technically "Jewish" obligations. What I have learned here is that being Jewish shouldn't be an "obligation." It shouldn't be something we dread or something our parents drag us to because it's the "right thing to do." No, being Jewish should bring the kind of feelings I had while sitting quietly next to an emense ancient wall. Being Jewish should be the tears I cried as I wrote my letter to nudge into one of its many cracks. Being Jewish should feel like our past and our future is at a standstill. All of these things and more were felt at the Kotel. You simply can't get these feelings at home. You can't feel this connected in Boise. I've realized that you don't have to know everything. You don't have to believe everything.
These are a few conclusions I made at the Kotel:
1. Life is simply WAY too short to care about the little things. For all we know, WE LIVE ONCE. Maybe not.. Maybe so, we don't know. I know people always say "seize the day, live in the moment, blah blah blah, and other "motivational bullshit"' but at the kotel I realized how important this is. Each second, minute, hour, day, and so on is a gift. You have a choice each moment on what to do with it, but you won't get it back. Each minute you waste is one that is gone forever. It's so vital that we don't let these gifts go by. I really can't stress that enough.
2. Most questions will go unanswered. We won't know what happens after we die. We won't know if there is a God or not or even what the word "God" means. People spend too much time killing themselves over it. What matters is what you feel and what you feel connected to. We need to move on from those "unanswered questions." It's important to wonder... but to dwell is a waste of time.
3. Forgive. It's not worth the energy spent on being angry. If someone screwed you over either let them go respectfully as a friend, or find it in your heart to give them another chance. People that waste weeks and years on being angry only make their own lives a living hell. It's simply not worth it.

The only word I can use to sum up my evening at the Western Wall is "WOW."
Wow-- The golden sunset falling behind the hills.
Wow-- The diverse array of women praying their own silent prayers.
Wow-- The elderly woman bawling behind me.
Wow-- My mind racing and eyes welling up.

After walking away from the wall, my ICC group met in a circle to talk about our experiences. For some, it was the first time there, for others their 10th. At that moment it didn't matter. Honestly, nothing mattered but the fact that we were there-- all of us together. We sang Oseh Shalom as our eyes welled up with tears yet again-- the first timers, the boys, our Madrichim, and those of us who had been there before. For that very moment, that very precious gift of a moment, we were in the most holy place in the world, and we were there together.

Ein Gedi (if I can even remember that far back!)

I had my first peek at the Dead Sea on the way to Ein Gedi. The bus ride there was so utterly beautiful. I sat next to Suzanne and we listened to Israeli music as we squealed at the palm trees and the crystal blue water. Israel gives you a sense of fullness. I'm full of happiness. I'm full of spirit. I'm truly filled with Israel. It finds a way of seeping inside of you... I can't even explain it. We finally got off the bus and the air was dry and warm. Looking up at the huge cliffs surrounding me, I felt small... but not insignificant. We set off to conquer the hills. After about 10 minutes we were all huffing and puffing and whining about how out of shape we were. A hike on its own can be strenuous, but try doing it in the middle of the desert! BAH! As we always do on tiyuls, we broke into our ICC groups and did some activities and took notes from a few lectures. ICC can be a bit of a struggle for me. All of us come from different religious backgrounds and a lot of things people/he says really irritates me. Personally, I don't think a lot of things legitimately happened in the Torah, in fact I think most or even all is fiction. It's been a challenge seeing it taught more as history and embracing it with an open mind. It's easier to just shut it out and scoff at it, but I've been working on being more accepting and valuing the story, not taking it as history. Anyways, after learning, we sort of meandered about and hiked through Ein Gedi. There are beautiful springs and waterfalls all over and everyone was in awe of the sheer beauty of the place. Nearing the end of the hike when we were all dusty, sweaty, and cranky, we met at the nearest "watering hole" or however you can explain it, and jumped in and splashed around. We were all in good spirits after cooling off and hiked back towards civilization for some ice cream. One ice cream sandwich later, we were back on the bus and heading towards home again. It was an incredible trip and if I wasn't so tired I would have explained it in more detail and a lot better I'm sure. Sorry these are getting less coherant as time goes on.. the lack of sleep seems to be getting to my head :). I'll write about my free weekend in Nes Ziona after a relatively decent night's sleep.

mid week update

TRY is in full swing now. Between classes, Tiyuls (trips), and attempt at homework/studying, free time is a rarity. It’s so fun living in dorms and feeling more independent. At night when we all study in the hallways people order in food or walk to the falafel stand. We’re starting to build a community and it’s really exciting. The weather has been super pleasant lately. Not too hot where you’re uncomfortable and not too cold either. The sun is always out and it reminds me of early spring in Boise. The school schedules here are so odd; a lot like college. Tomorrow I have classes until 6:30 at night, but a bunch of random breaks throughout the day. On Sundays (yes we have school on Sundays), I have a three hour mid day break. It’s about the only time of the week I have alone time. Today we went on a trip to Sataf, I can’t tell you what it is because no one knows. Shoshana says it’s a place where they grow agriculture in the mountains. Miriam says it means ripening. Obviously Israeli Core Course is SUPER helpful J. In a nutshell, it has a bunch of stuff growing on it, and a water tunnel. It was absolutely beautiful and luscious. You could literally see for miles. One of the coolest parts was walking through the water tunnel. It was insanely narrow and claustrophobic, but there were tiny candles in crevices and it opened into a huge room. Water was dripping from rocks, and it was super humid. The space was pitch black, but we all gathered around with flashlights and then walked back. After coming back to the Chava, Miriam and I walked to the falafel stand for dinner. Trust me, there’s only so much chava food I can take. It’s literally HORRIBLE. I have never had worse food in my life. Lunch today was some random meat on popsicle sticks, rice, eggs, hummus, cereal, and some unidentified substances. It’s not food. Anyways, after that we had cleaning night, which was surprisingly fun. Our room was a pig sty and we all got really into straightening it up. The hallways are sick too so we soaped and hosed it which ended up with a huge flood in which everyone got soaked. Everything is just more fun here. Living with 35 teenagers makes life so much more exciting. Life is good, I’m happy, and this is crazy fun.

shabbos on TRY

An Israeli shabbat is a shabbat to remember. The streets are hushed and all problems and stress floats away. On Friday night we got dressed in our shabbos clothes (compliments of ally :] ), and took pictures on the lawn. Although it wasn't as warm as it's been the past few days, the sun shown through and it was a cloudless day. We had signed up for synogogues the day before, and we walked to our temples in groups. I chose the reform synogogue because I'm not the biggest fan of Conservative or Orthodox, even though I'm on a conservative program. TOO MUCH PRAYING. it's overkill. we pray three times a day, its ridiculous. but anyways, I was one of the few that actually enjoyed the service. It dragged a little, but they harmonized beautifully and the people were all really nice. Afterwards, we walked back and had dinner as a group. Aside from getting locked in the grundgiest bathroom ever for about 7 minutes (scariest thing ever), it was a nice evening and after some song and dance, we head to bed. In the morning, we went to Kedem, a conservative synogogue in the area. It was too long and there were a few things that were just really weird. They had a nice oneg outside and most people spoke English which was nice. We spent the rest of the day lazing in the sun, napping, reading and spending time together. The end of the evening we did Havdallah. It was amazing all being together arms linked, as cliche as it sounds, and sharing our experiences of our first shabbat in Jerusalem of TRY '09. I cant tell this is going to be one hell of an adventure, and I mean that in a good way.