The brighter side of fear

My heart is in Israel. Today was the day where I realized that my roots here are stronger than just simply being Jewish. My roots dig deep into the ground where millions before me have walked. My home may be in the West, but heart belongs in the East. It's not like something revolutionary happened. I'm on a usual host weekend in Nes Ziona. It has been a great weekend.. a lot of fun and also a lot of rest. No, nothing out of the ordinary happened. It was really when we were lying in bed after lunch at Maya's relatives when life in a sense changed for me. I'm not sure if I'll be able to vocalize this, and a lot of it is personal and I don't find the need to share on a blog, but something happened. Life was put in perspective as I layed on the bunk bed between two of my best friends. The light of day had been shut out by her blinds and a sleep playlist flowed out of her cell phone. My mind felt like it was screaming and I breathed quietly hoping my heavy thoughts wouldn't wake up my sleeping friends. I thought back to my life at home. I've had a really great, safe, comforting, cultured childhood. I grew up in an exceptionally wonderful family and have the greatest friends. I've always had a nice social life and can always count on the Jewish community to support me in all I do. Basically, I had it made. So why on this afternoon in Nes Ziona, mid-nap, did everything feel so... wrong? I don't want to live my life like I did for the past seventeen years of my life. It's almost too perfect, planned out, and safe. I don't want to know exactly what I'll be doing four Thursdays from now or feel tied down in a society that doesn't seem to suite me anymore. I love my life here.. and I love my life at home. I just don't know how to go back to that mold of how I was before Israel. I don't think I'll fit into it anymore. I'm in the "half-way through TRY" freak out mode. I've had such an incredible, life changing experience so far.. but I feel like I have so much farther to go. How can I go from a 24.7 feeling of community to school, a job, dance, juggling friends, and other every day struggles? I tried to shut out all of these thoughts, but they bombarded me until I had to get up and write. I'm so happy right now, that I'm scared. Can it be that happiness is only the brighter side of fear? Is it just another example of the theory, "what goes up, must come down?" I know that everything comes to an end eventually and that it's not the destination that counts, but the journey that takes you there, but why is it so damn hard to come to terms with?

wanting 75

I've been trying to avoid this blog since last week, but I guess I would have to come to terms with it eventually. It's honestly been the biggest rollercoaster of emotions in the past week and I'm finally settling into the norm again. Three boys got sent home on Wednesday night and it was one big blur of tears, anger, disappointment, and confusion. Unfortunately one of the boys was Matan, who has been going to camp with me for as long as I can remember. Another was Max who I had just became friends with, and the other Jordan, who I hadn't gotten the chance to really get to know yet. It's such a shame to have friends, or those who could have been friends ripped away from a setting like this. Thousands of miles away from our real family we've had to make our own family here. 75 was such a complete number... a number we all wanted to keep so badly. The three of them made a poor choice to drink on campus. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and get drunk on weekends, but you'd think they could have at least waited a few days. They made a stupid choice, therefore had to face the consequences. The best way to sum up the experience is just that it sucked. Everything about it sucked. All day Wednesday the three boys sat up in the office and no one was really sure if they'd be sent home or not. There was a huge strain in the group and everyone was really tense. Eventually, we got the word that they would be sent home in the morning. It effected all of us in our own ways. Some were bawling, others were silent or cried quietly to themselves. All we wanted was 75. An hour or so later, we got word that Matan and Jordan would be sent home in an hour. We panicked. AN HOUR?! How are you supposed to just say goodbye in an hour? It was so unfair. We crowded in their rooms and watched them fold and pack up all their belongings. Miriam, Mayan, and I sat on a cabinet and watched as Matan's room became emptier and emptier. As the hour ticked on, we migrated upstairs to say goodbyes. It was so surreal. I remembered sitting on Mt. Rainier this past summer with Miriam and Matan talking about TRY. I remembered how bad he wanted to come. I remembered how excited I was to see the two of them at the airport in New York. All of these memories hit me as I hugged him goodbye. After my farewell to Matan, I made my way over to Jordan and hugged him goodbye as well. I told him that I was sad that we didn't get to talk more. He told me he was too and that he knew we could have been friends. It made my heart sink, but also slapped me in the face with reality. Do we ever really know how long we have with a person? Absolutely not. We take so much for granted. Everyday I take being here in Israel for granted. Hell, I even take being alive in general for granted. I was given 74 individuals to get to know, to learn from, and for them to learn from me. I thought I would have 74. Honestly, you have no idea when "the end" will be with anyone. It's so vital that we understand and accept this. It's never easy knowing that today could be the last day, but it's also the truth. How can we take this and use it to our advantage? Never turn down the opportunity to get to know someone. No matter how much you judge or label from day one, you can be pleasantly surprised. This is sort of the experience I had with Max. I didn't really give him a chance in the beginning. At some point, we started talking and hanging out and I realized that he was one of the nicest guys I've ever met. It made me realize how many people I probably passed by at home. How many people do I walk past in the hallway without giving them the light of day. How many potential friends have I turned down simply because of my own stupid judgement? One of the quotes that has impacted me the most so far on my adventure here is "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." It's true. Each morning when you open your eyes think to yourself.. this is the youngest I'll be for the rest of my life. Nothing else really matter because TODAY is the first day. It gives us a chance to have a clean slate and a new beginning. So with that.. what are you going to do with the first day of the rest of your life?

pictures...

Above: Roommates (left to right-- Ilana, Dafna, Ava)

This weekend in Nes Zyyona

At the top after a hike at Kibbutz Ketura

Beach in Nes Zyyona





Again, Nes Zyyona

Nigerians, the Jesus lemon, and a tractor scare

Thursday was a pretty interesting combination of events. We started our Christianity unit in ICC, so since Thursdays are Tiyul days, we went to Ein Kerem, the Christian quarter. We stopped at a look-out on the way which was located in some Christian area. It overlooked the Mt. of Olive and also the Temple Mount. It was so interesting being somewhere where three prominent religions co-existed. The call to prayer went off just as the church bells rang as we stood overlooking the cemetary. It was so powerful and gave me hope that maybe some day we can all try and put our differences aside. I know it sounds cliche, but in that moment, it felt so real. It's a little ironic talking about peace when that same day in Jerusalem, there was a terrorist attack right by our nearby mall. Some Arab-Israeli attempted to ram a bus with his tractor. The bus was filled with Israeli kids in Purim costumes on the way to the hospital to cheer up patients. It's so different hearing about attacks while you're here as opposed to at home. As our ICC teacher told us the news, jaws dropped and tears welled up in our eyes. We grasped onto each other as Alan continued to tell us that it happened at the intersection before Malcha Mall, the place that a lot of us would have gone to later that night on our free night. It was a reminder that even though I'm living in my own little American, perfect society, I'm still in a country that is conflicted in many ways. People told me that I was crazy for coming here and jokingly told me to not get blown up. Maybe I am a little crazy and while living here, not getting blown up is not a joke, but an actual concern. I'm not filled with terror or tempted to go home at all. The little bit of fear is a part of living here. We don't let it get to us. We read the news, let the fear take us over for a minute, then go out to the store anyways. That is the essence of being Israeli. On a lighter note, I'll continue with my Christianity Tiyul. Once we got to Ein Kerem we stopped by Mary's Spring and took notes. I slept (oops), then we ventured to the Church of Visitation. It was really pretty inside and the gardens outside were beautiful. Suzanne and I spotted a lemon tree and debated whether or not it was sinful to take one. We decided to pluck one anyways and named it the Jesus Lemon and saved it for a snack later. After a few churches, monks and crosses later, we happened upon a large group of Nigerian tourists. They were in awe of us. They had never seen white, American Jews before and they flocked us and attempted to speak English with us. More and more came and took pictures with us and told us to visit them in Nigeria. The funny thing was is that they were so kind and sweet that it made us want to take a trip there. The day ended at the sight where the last supper is assumed to have taken place. Even though it's not a holy place for Jews, you could sense the significance and impact it gave to the Christian tourists around us. This kind of understanding should be the basis for our search for peace. We don't need to completely "get" the other religions, nor do we need to know all the answers. If we can at least understand or "agree to disagree" respectively, then we'd be one step further to peace.

vacation from vacation

I'm in love with Israel. I'm in love with TRY. I'm in love with my community. Kibbutz Ketura truly launched TRY into full swing. We spent the five days hiking in the desert, swimming in Eilat, walking on the board walk, doing watercolor, praying, and relaxing. We all like to call it vacation from vacation. The one complaint I have was the weather. The first day we showed up and it was sunny and beautiful, leading us to expect pure desert bliss for the next few days. After waking up the next day to windy, raining hell, we were snapped back into reality very quickly. The tour guide told us that the rainfall we had during the few days was the amount of rain they get on average annually. That WOULD happen to us. Otherwise, it was a relaxing trip filled with great food and bonding. If six days in the desert can't bring a group together than I don't know what can. They mixed up the rooms so we all got a chance to live with new roommates. I absolutely adored mine and we had the greatest times turning our bathtub into a jaccuzi and having other people over for sleepovers. The food was also a nice change of pace with fresh fruits and vegetables, tons of meal options and the best bread ever. Shabbat was particularly windy and yucky outside, but we had an amazing time regardless. The service was the first one I really enjoyed since being here. It reminded me a lot of our synogogue at home and was filled with joy and good spirits. On the last day, we took a six mile bike ride to Yodvata, the kibbutz that makes all the delicious dairy products. It was pretty hot out which is funny since only the first and last days of our trip were sunny. The bike ride was beautiful and we even got to see the border of Jordan and Israel. After the ride we indulged ourselves in THE best ice cream and loaded the bus back home. It was sad to leave this utopian society, but I guess the reality had to snap back in sometime. Thank God reality ain't so bad when you're living in Israel :)