The brighter side of fear

My heart is in Israel. Today was the day where I realized that my roots here are stronger than just simply being Jewish. My roots dig deep into the ground where millions before me have walked. My home may be in the West, but heart belongs in the East. It's not like something revolutionary happened. I'm on a usual host weekend in Nes Ziona. It has been a great weekend.. a lot of fun and also a lot of rest. No, nothing out of the ordinary happened. It was really when we were lying in bed after lunch at Maya's relatives when life in a sense changed for me. I'm not sure if I'll be able to vocalize this, and a lot of it is personal and I don't find the need to share on a blog, but something happened. Life was put in perspective as I layed on the bunk bed between two of my best friends. The light of day had been shut out by her blinds and a sleep playlist flowed out of her cell phone. My mind felt like it was screaming and I breathed quietly hoping my heavy thoughts wouldn't wake up my sleeping friends. I thought back to my life at home. I've had a really great, safe, comforting, cultured childhood. I grew up in an exceptionally wonderful family and have the greatest friends. I've always had a nice social life and can always count on the Jewish community to support me in all I do. Basically, I had it made. So why on this afternoon in Nes Ziona, mid-nap, did everything feel so... wrong? I don't want to live my life like I did for the past seventeen years of my life. It's almost too perfect, planned out, and safe. I don't want to know exactly what I'll be doing four Thursdays from now or feel tied down in a society that doesn't seem to suite me anymore. I love my life here.. and I love my life at home. I just don't know how to go back to that mold of how I was before Israel. I don't think I'll fit into it anymore. I'm in the "half-way through TRY" freak out mode. I've had such an incredible, life changing experience so far.. but I feel like I have so much farther to go. How can I go from a 24.7 feeling of community to school, a job, dance, juggling friends, and other every day struggles? I tried to shut out all of these thoughts, but they bombarded me until I had to get up and write. I'm so happy right now, that I'm scared. Can it be that happiness is only the brighter side of fear? Is it just another example of the theory, "what goes up, must come down?" I know that everything comes to an end eventually and that it's not the destination that counts, but the journey that takes you there, but why is it so damn hard to come to terms with?